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21 April 2009 @ 07:32 pm
You cant get over her and I understand. I have been there and its insanity.
"Early one morning,the sun was shining, i was lying in bed wondering if she change it all if her hair was still red."
I need to let you be for a while until you can figure out what the hell is going on inside of you. Let them go. It may take a lot longer than you think its going to. But until you are all healed some, I will continue to be your friend.
I really like you, I mean you are such a sweet boy. You have morals and a huge heart! You actually believe in God which blows my mind. I have never dated anyone who did.

Now you are going away for a month to school. Even though I will miss your company,it will be a chance for both of us to get a grip on things and get our heads straight.
I wish you were the boy for me but I have my doubts and reasons why.
I think I just need to let you be for awhile and maybe you will just come to me like a dream.
maybe there is someone else out there for me.
21 April 2009 @ 07:31 pm
Im so jaded it doesn’t even matter.
I always get wrapped up so much on these seemingly really nice men.
The fact is, everyone has issues, most lie unresolved until something reminds us of what is we are trying dearly to forget. These issues will continue to plague us until we wear it out of our system the best way that each of us knows how.
Some drink,some smoke, some run,workout,eat,starve yourself, cry,scream,hate,get revenge,fuck people we don’t care about,whatever your medicine may be,take it until it starts to work and memories fade. I have been on both sides of the coin quite a few times now, winning and losing in relationships,dumper vs. dumpee. Neither is easy,as most of us know, and can take a toll on us emotionally and physically for a long time if we fail to let go and move on,or replace the hurt with some other activity.
21 April 2009 @ 07:08 pm
I was wrong. I saw straight into your heart last night. The way you laid your head on my lap and told me stories about your childhood,and about what worries you while I stroked your hair and forehead. 
You said that you always felt that you needed someone by your side to make you feel complete then told me that you never admitted that to anyone out loud before.
I said that it was valid to feel that way and that I’d always look out for you,I meant that. It melted my heart how you looked solidly into my eyes after I said that and held that gaze for a long time. Your big brown eyes that melt my heart whenever you look into mine.

You love to hold my hand when we are relaxing together It allows me to take all the tension that you harbor inside and filter it through me so it doesn’t harm you and make you sad and take you over. I want to be your girl. Im slowly falling in love with you and that’s never happened to me before. Could it be a sign that this relationship will last? I hope I never disappoint you,that would break me. I want to be the best I can be for you. I think I could even have your children someday,and that statement I do not take lightly,it frightens me to think of that,but I know that if I bore your baby I would be  safe. I know that you’d take care of me. You’d be the best father I just feel it. We have the same ideas as far as being strict but not overly and eating healthy and you have a strong belief in your religion I would let you raise the babies Jewish,it would make me ridiculously proud.

I want you in my life and cant figure out the reason. It seems that there is no logic in it, for I have never fallen for any man quite like you.. Yet, I feel comforted in your arms and when im there I never want the feeling to end. I miss you tonight and hope you think of me while you are laying in your coffin of a bed in that lonely ol’ submarine. Im falling for you and hope you can feel it sweeping over you tonight.
Not many people inspire me to write about them, but you do.
There are the easy things to write about you,
Freckles dotting your face,cheeks kissed by the suns rays,
Brown eyes that turn green when faced with the color of the day.
Laying your head in my lap so I can comfort you so lazily and effortlessly.
The intelligence you own and the patience you display at my occasional ignorance.
Tall and strong you hold me so gracefully in your arms.
Fingers that strum your mandolin along to the tune of me cooking dinner.
The smile you wear tells me how happy you are in the moment.
Your lips soft, whispering a prayer over the food I have prepared,
and full as you lean in to kiss me.

Then there are the harder things to accept about you too.
How particular you can be about things of no consequence.
Dishes,the rug and my winter shoes (dry) not allowed on there.
The strange woman you took up with before me.
One a virtual robot,the other a psychoanalyst her own  drama.
How distant you can be,(where are you going,will you take me with you?)
Its the far off look that you get.
The one every woman knows when you look in her eyes and see someone else.
How you drink too much when you are with me, is that what it takes to stomach me?

Extremes. Its what you bring into my life. Opposites on the spectrum. I either feel bored or torn to no end.
I strive to create the happy medium between us. Its a worthy project that i hope to conquer with a fine mastery.
21 April 2009 @ 06:51 pm
The page starts blank. Blank like the emotion I see inside of you for me. Nothingness. I have no idea why you spend time with me other than to kill it.
You wont allow me to show my emotion either. Do you consider this a sign of weakness ? No it just means that if I say how I feel than the game is over. You say you don’t like to play games but its all you have been doing and the sad thing is that you think you have played me so well. I see right through you. Your lack of emotion unfortunately makes you transparent.  It doesn’t really matter, I know that  i'm just a space filler- time killer till a prettier,fitter model comes along and is a feisty wench who challenges your every move. That’s just not who I am.You tell me how you wear your heart on your sleeve,well I have barely seen it with these eyes. I know I need new glasses but come on,you can't honestly think i am that naieve?  Telling me how you chat up random ladies online…you don’t think I do the same with the fellas? Do you think I care to know? I know you don’t so I stay tight lipped about things. and to think how I let some really great sex and mind melding wonder to slip right by me on that Monday afternoon,just for you,because i believed wholeheartedly that what we had was Really Something.
I try to just be myself and hope you’ll dig me just as I am but why do I even care? I guess because you are a challenge to me too that I simply cant let pass by.
What a fool I am. What a fool.
30 June 2008 @ 07:59 pm
Did you know....
That i hate march so much.... its my least favorite month.
That elbow macaroni freaks me out when in the strainer.
That i love babies but don't want any of my own.
That i can do the bottle dance and get all the way down
That i love love poems more than any other writing in the world
That i love red hair on boys.
That i simply love being in love just because i love being in love.
That i dont like raw carrots but buy them anyway just for the color it adds to my fridge.
That my favorite colors have always been black and purple.
That i dont ever buy greeting cards when i should only when they are least expected.
That i dont know the proper spelling of the word Grey..gray??
That grouchy old men amuse me and i dig the challenge of making them smile.
That i love my tiny little apartment.
That I am a hermit and have always wished to be one since i was small.
That i love rainy weekends because it means i can stay in bed and have a good reason.
That holding my hand is a greater way of telling me you love me than an actual kiss.
That i dont need anything anyones giving except for you
That i love my silly little garden,and getting my hands all dirty.
That i love building sand castles.
That i love making snow angels.
That i really like swear words. especially fuck.
That i love leaves on trees in the fall,and love the sound they make when crunching under my feet.
That i love to go apple picking and then making apple goodies the rest of the weekend
That i live for pumpkins and pumpkin carving and hay rides.
That i probably like wine a little too much....
That i no longer care what the rest of the world thinks now that i have you in my life
That your eyes take me to infinity and back.
That i hate my legs but are so very glad you like them.
That i have taken enough acid to consider myself legally insane
(that would be after 14 hits just so you know)
That i have a two year plan that i haven't mentioned yet out of fear
That i never drink enough water.
That my cooking is the best there is?
That i say i don"t want to get married but have had a many many visions of what the day would be like?
That i secretly like very bad pop music....
That i havent seen my father since Christmas.
That I wonder if he forgets about me sometimes.
That i worry constantly about my mom.
That i want a huge farm that all my friends can live on with me
That i wonder what it would it be like to be skinny for once in my life
That i want my sister to be famous for her angelic voice.
That i am the best liar there is,but never to you.
That i got diagnosed with epilepsy at age 15
That i believe in lunarception
That i believe in magic.
That i dreamed about you years ago.
That someday i want to live with you and have a little dog and a perfect little apartment.
That i am anti feminism
That i dig communism
That all i ever had wanted to be is a happy housewife.
That i want to own a cafe/bookstore/record shop
That i love watching foreign films with subtitles just to hear the language
That i used to bite my nails all the time.
That i really don't like going to bars.
That i feel awkward most of the time.
That i went a whole month with out eating anything except water wine and rice
That i have been to Amsterdam and only have 3 pictures to show for the whole 6 days i was there
That i have fallen in love more times than i care to recall.
That i am the best at being heart broken.
That i love to be in love because i love ,love.
That i love you.with all my heart and always wish the best for you.
That i carry you and all my friends and family in my hearts pocket all the time.
That i love lists so very much.
That i am done writing this silly list.
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
26 June 2008 @ 09:40 pm
This time when it came close to the time you had to go home, I wasn't filled with such impending gloom,no tears welling up in me threatening to fall. Instead my heart was filled right up to the hilt with LOVE and JOY with its eye set on the future with you. I want to run away with you. It doesn't matter where we will land,any ol place will do,although the magical island i described to you while looking into your sweet sad green eyes would be wholly ideal. I want to be good to you forever,hold you for eternity,take care of you for all our lives.
After i watched you drive away,and waving till i could no longer see Punky,I went for a walk to the spider bridge,which was a brave thing for me to do since all the spiders DO like to come out at dusk. I just couldn't stay in the cottage alone at the moment. I could smell your sweet scent and still feel the  warm spot where you just were laying on my surf board bed,so instead i walked and imagined you were there with me, holding hands for all of Wakefield to see.Good i want them to see. I want them to hear me yell on the top of my lungs I LOVE YOU! Do you see this man??? I love him!! And after hollering and jumping and proclaiming like some sort of fool i would kiss you so deep on your sugar lips that i have come to crave these past days.
Every second i spend with you is sacred,every breath you take in my presence hallowed. I know that you are my angel sent to me from the universe,my other half the other side of the Libra scale. The heart weighed against the feather is what i think of when i think of us.
A love blessed by Anubis,maybe we were Egyptian lovers in another lifetime. It's possible since i feel as if i have known you so long.
This is what i asked for,i sent the beacon out to the universe,to the Goddess and she bestowed you upon me,such a beam of light,a star,shining brightly in the dark hallways of my soul. More than i ever could have imagined,better than i ever could have hoped for. I meant it when i said that every word you say is pure,every vowel and consonant formed lets me see directly into your soul so sparkling and  effervescent.
I am looking forward to the many adventures we will create,the love we have yet to make,the heaven we will get to experience on this earthly plane just by being next to one another.
I thank you for giving me a chance and not letting me slip by,for going the distance and trusting in my heart.
I carry you around in my hearts pocket,keeping you safe all the time. I love you. I love you to infinity.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
24 April 2008 @ 11:28 pm
He stepped off the stage and took a piece of my heart.we knew from the start that shit falls apart.
04 April 2008 @ 08:00 pm

a shooting star gently grazing my skyline with your luminous path.

Meant to meet,meant to slide into my life,and out of the bed just as quickly.

Dream of me,sweet boy,when you are alone at night in some foreign city.Let the memory of us envelop you like a fine mist, warm penetrating,soothing you like a blanket wrapped around two lovers on a rainy day.

I think back on you fondly and so lovingly wishing all the best that this crazy life has to offer.

I want to feel those sweet arms and beautiful lips on my skin once again,ahh to live that dream again would be a small miracle

20 March 2008 @ 05:52 pm
 I'm back to barely eating again. Im getting pretty good at it. I've got myself down to one small item in the AM and then around 7pm when  my stomach is screaming at me, i down so much water and juice and a small bowl of rice.  I must say though that my stomach hurts less for not having much in it, my head has a clarity that i havent felt in awhile,and i have more energy in the morning. The only struggle i have had has been emotionally,which leads me to believe that i am truly an emotional eater. I feel a little bit depressed,but then again I do hate march and stupid boys eat at my heart when they shouldnt.The memories of them dont deserve to be safe and warm in the bellows of my heart.

 I associate food with good times,being with friends,family gatherings,and having extra money to buy special items at the market when i have the extra cash. I love to cook but havent had much cash to even buy ingredients to create anything decent,hence the not eating very much. Its more of a survival thing than a lose weight thing but thats always been an uphill battle so this helps a little i feel. I admit that i a little bit cant wait for Sunday,Im having sunday brunch with family. I have homefries duty. Saturday night will be spent at my sisters house (yay)! and we will be cooking our offerings  in her huge kitchen.

When i was younger,in highschool,i used to take so many diet pills combined with water pills .I had it down to a science and my waist line down to a size 4/6. I ran track at school everyday and in the spring and summer i ran at home for as long as i could without throwing up. Thank god senior year came and so did the discovery of marijuana. For the first time in my life,after smoking I felt like i just might be ok. That i was maybe a little bit cooler than i thought,and that it was alright to be and act like who i really was instead of hiding behind my shy quietness,and my wall of books and my journal. So i guess i would always do harsh things to my body when i was unhappy with life or myself,not much has changed apparently except Im alot more happy with each but not completely. I know i wont be until i find love. I can be so happy but still not feel complete inside. I dont need somebody to love.. I want somebody to love. Love them like its my other job and i want the same in return.
04 March 2008 @ 05:12 pm
-What a grey day.Sitting here doing my three favorite  things. Smoking a nice joint, listening to music and writing.The weather is Drizzley but warm. The sort of day that is a treat in the summer, the kind that makes me be inclined to take a walk to my favorite cemetarry just up the walking  path. Ill go there to visit the NYE's in their  mausoleum and too see what kind of wildflowers are blooming. The wildflowers love the subtropical mist that summer bestows upon them.
Thats what real love feels like to me. A subtroical mist that subletly envelopes your body,your skin.Soft,easy,unassuming,yet undoubtedly heavy all the same. seeping into your brain the way humidity has a way of doing,making you feel how your body is made of so much water. Manipulated by the moon,our blood has tides,that our emotions follow.
I had a dream the other morning all i remember was a boy saying to me,your core energy is strong it flows right into me,but your aura is cloudy.
I thought about that today when i was doing some afternoon stretches. How do i clear this? what should I be doing? Maybe eat more veggies? I havent been having enough I know. Drink more water. Go for more walks. I will once spring comes. I promise. Meditate more? Let go of old things. You cant take it with you. Be wise and way more aware in the coming weeks. Open my eyes to the bigger picture.Stop forcing love. It will come from the most unexpected. It always does,when you arent thinking of it or looking for it. The cosmos know when to make two peoples paths cross to set a spark of interest. 
Now that sets me to thinking why alot of men these days seem to be afraid to try for love. If two people feel something for each other and feel that spark of passion the logical thing it would seem to me would be to ride that wave for awhile.Test the waters of love and maybe emotion. Its like some guys are so afraid of being labeled as"committed" or "settling down" the thought scares them. When in actuality if they took a second to realize that some girls are chill and arent looking for such a hardcore commitment.Just one guy to be chill, to be their 
favorite person to be with,but at the same time not be obligated to see each other every day (unless you feel that you cant get enough of one another..heehee)
See now,Im looking for a man to come sweep me off my feet with one glance. Possibly some sort of Mexican,argentinian,or serbian gypsy. 
They have some of the most handsome and intriguing men i have ever seen in those countries.I would really enjoy it if he could play guitar or make wine,or both.  It makes me wonder why im living in wakefield Ri sometimes. I belong somewhere off the coast of the Mediterranean Sea living in a stucco mini villa on the side of a rambling hill overlooking the ocean, There i would feel rich with pockets of golden sunsets,my skin would be brown all the time and taste like coconuts,but smell like egyptian musk.